Q: What do hillbillies do at Halloween?
A: Pump kin.
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Two Palestinian women are walking through Jerusalem.
One says to the other "Does my bomb look big in this?"
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Two residents in an old people's home are getting it on when the woman stops and says to the old man,"I think I ought to warn you that I've got acute angina".
The old man looks at her and says:"Yeah and your tits aren't bad either"
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Old man goes to the doctorThe doctor says, "I'm sorry, you have cancer andAlzheimer's."The old man replies "Could be worse. At least its notcancer".
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Q What has a Pelican and a Tax Inspector got incommon?A They can both stick their bills up their arse
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Q What's the best way to catch a rabbit?A Hide somewhere and make a noise like a carrot.-----I met a scantly clad girl in the woods while I was hunting one day. She looked at me coyly and said she was game. So I shot her.
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Q: Did you hear about the mouse that took Viagra?A: Half an hour later he was wandering around the kitchen shouting, "Where's the fucking pussy."
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Q: What do you get if you cross onions with donkeys?A: Mostly you get a lot of onions with big ears.Occasionally you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
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Q: What's silver and sits at the end of the bed taking the piss out of you? A: A kidney dialysis machine.
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Q: What did the lady say to Matthew Kelly at thebeach? A: "Excuse me, you're in my son"
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Q: What do you call a gay ape?A: Chimp Pansy
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A Geordie bloke goes into the hairdressersand asks 'Can I have a perm please?' Hairdresser replies, 'I wandered lonely as a cloud....
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A man goes to see an optometrist. The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the otherpatients in the waiting room."
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Two pregnant council girls are knitting sweaters for their babies.The first one says, "I hope mine's a boy, I only had blue wool."The second girl replies: "I hope mine's a flid,I've fucked the arms up on this".
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Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penisand notices there's a nicotine patch on it.He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."The other priest replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
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Albert Einstein, Pablo Picasso, and George W. Bush arriveat the Pearly Gates and introduce themselves. St. Peter says, "Prove to me that's who you are." Einstein takes a piece of paper, writes E=MC squared, andthen starts writing the formulas that lead him to it. St. Peter says, "I believe you, come on in." Picasso takes out a pencil and paper and starts to draw.St. Peter says, "I believe, you come on in." George W. Bush says to St. Peter, "Who were those guys?"St. Peter says, "Come on in, George.
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Q Why is Michael Barrymore's not doing panto at Christmas? A Because he's already done Aladdin this year.
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* I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week. * I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunatelyshe'd popped her clogs.
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Q What's grey and smells of curry? A John Major's cock
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Stevie Wonder gets a cheese grater for Christmas. Mate calls to ask if he liked it. Stevie says, "Man, that was the most violent book I ever read.
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Two Arabs are chatting. One of them has his wallet outand is flipping through pictures. "Yeah, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."There's a pause...The second Arab says, wistfully, "Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
-----Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says: "I think I've lost an electron."The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." -----
Q: Did you hear about the thalidomide porn star?A: He had an arm like a baby's cock.
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Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to."Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Willstarted crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will?" Will sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings..."
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Q: Did you hear about the quadriplegic juggler?A: He dropped all the quadriplegics.
Q: What does Speedy Gonzalez have under his carpet? A: Underlay, underlay!
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Q: What do vegetarian worms eat? A: Linda McCartney Man: Doctor! Doctor! I've got five penises GP: My Goodness! How do you trousers fit? Man: Like a glove!
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Q: What did the inflatable teacher say to the inflatable pupil who came to the inflatable school with a drawing pin?A: "You've let me down, you've let the whole school down... but most of all you've let yourself down"
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A woman in a room is fellating Jim Morrison and his band members. When she's finished with them, she moveson to Mick Jagger. At this point, Michael Caine burstsin and shouts "Oi! You were only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
Two drunken pebbles on the beach having a conversation.Pebble 1. "Are you married?Pebble 2. "No I'm shingle"
Q: What's the difference between Father Christmas and Tiger Woods?A: Father Christmas stops after three ho's.
Q: Why did Frosty go and live in the middle of the ocean?A: Because snowman is an island.
Q: Who's the nicest man in a hospital? A: The ultra-sound man Q: Who covers his shifts while he's away? A: The hip-replacement guy.
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Q: What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled? A: A tubby.
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Q: What is Grand Master Flash's favourite website? A: Wik wik wiki wikipedia.
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Q: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? A: Dr. Dre
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Q: What do you call a Mexican peeping tom? A: Senor Minge.
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My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist. When I was little he used to put his hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
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Q: How do find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow? A: You look for the fresh prints.
Q;bruce forsyths favourite panto? A; CHINderella
Big Brother has warned Michael Barrymore he must use the ashtrays in the house and not to throw any dead fags in the pool!
Gary Glitter had his dreams crushed when he found out that the newspaper headline "Village still looking for paedophile" wasn't a job advert.
A guy sacked from the dodgems is taking his employers to court. He's claiming funfair dismissal.
I went on a trip to a postcard factory last week.It was OK. Nothing to write home about.
Jacko Memorial Joke 1 Reports of Michael Jackson having a heart attack are incorrect. He was found in the childrens ward having a stroke.
Jacko Memorial Joke 2 There will be a post-mortem today to determine which was the cause of death: A) Sunshine B) Moonlight C) Good Times D) Boogie
Jacko Memorial Joke 3 Michael Jackson died of shock after finding out Boyz II Men was a band not a delivery service.
Jacko Memorial Joke 4 Jockeys at tomorrow's race meetings will wear black armbands out of respect for Michael Jackson, who successfully rode more three yr olds than anyone in living memory.
McDonald's are bringing out the Michael Jackson tribute burger. 50 year old meat between two 7 year old buns.
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson? Fergie WILL be playing Giggs in August.
Jacko Memorial Joke 7When Farrah Fawcett arrived in Heaven, God was such a big fan he decided to grant her one wish.She asked that all the children in the world could be safe. So God killed Michael Jackson.
Jacko Memorial Joke 8 Michael Jackson actually died of food poisoning. He ate some 12 year old nuts. ...Er or was it a five-year old wiener?
Jacko Memorial Joke 9 50 kids have volunteered to identify the body as they have first-hand experience of seeing Michael Jackson stiff.
Jacko Memorial Joke 10 Michael Jackson's legal team announced that he had agreed to be melted down by undertakers to make plastic toys. So, kids can play with him for a change.
Jacko Memorial Joke 11 It has been reported on the "Angels News" Michael Jackson was refused entry to heaven due to the fact they don’t accept plastic.
An anagram of Mark Owen is Wank More
Q: How does the blind parachutist know when he's about to land?A: His dog lead goes slack.
Old Jonathan Ross Jokes Home: A bin man was collecting the rubbish, but one house hadn't put its bin out so he knocked on the door.It was Jonathan Ross' house.Bin man: Where's yer bin?Jonathan Ross: Er, sorry I was in the toiletBin man: So, where's yer BIN?JR: I was in the toiletBin man: No where's your WHEELY BIN?JR: OK, I weally been having a wank.
A: Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?Q: He worked it our with a pencil.
Jonathan Ross only goes to rugby matches to play pranks on people.He loves Twickenham.
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor shakes hishead and says, "I'm sorry but you're going to have to stop masturbating"."Why?" asks the man."Because I'm trying to examine you".
Q: What's the world's most dangerous ocean?A: Hepatitis C.Q: What's the world's most dangerous insect?A: Hepatitis B.
Q: What did the Scottish epileptic little person get for his birthday?A: A Wii fit.
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said."Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that.""Fine," I said, "I want to die when England win the world cup.""You crafty cock!" said the fairy.
An elderly Jewish couple are walking down the street when a man jumps out, throws open his coat and flashes. The old man says, "Did you see that, dear?" "Yes" she replied, "Nice lining."
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